Right now I have the image from the movie "Fiddler on the Roof" when Tevye belts out the tune "Tradition!" Right now, I am wading through a lot of cultural norms about weddings--and boy, are there a lot--and picking which ones I want to honor and which ones don't seem to fit with me. Or which ones I want to tweak to fit me. For all brides and grooms, where to draw the line is a personal, and difficult, choice. Example: I didn't have a problem with Dan buying me an engagement ring, even though it could be seen as a modern-day dowry (I know, really taking one for the team here!!!). But rather than my father giving me away, I want both my parents escorting me down the aisle. I'm not set on a bouquet toss, but do like a walk down the aisle in a white dress. As I plan this big event, there is a societal pressure to have the wedding featured in the magazines, with all the associated bells and whistles. It's important for me to tell myself that Dan and I can have whatever wedding we want, we can think about the traditions and choose what we want.
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I thought you were going the Johnny Cash route. Me as your black coat wearing, sour on the world yet talented husband-to-be, whose musical career is plagued by alcohol, drugs, and women. Then my career (and life) is saved by a younger woman who refuses my proposal time after time until I promise to put my vices behind me forever. Tevye works too, just not as mysterious. BTW, please no babushka!
Dear Elissa, the strangest thing about tradition is how important it becomes as you get older or as in my case move into a totally different society.
Tradition became very important and more importantly very comforting when we moved to the USA and had no family or friends – just doing shabbat every week and making all the foods we were used to in SA when it came to the holidays was more important than I ever thought it could possible be – its just having something to hang on to – it was a way our life could continue uninterrupted.
I wish I was better at expressing my thoughts – like you I come from a reform background. My grandfather (fathers father) who I never new was very religious but my father did not like the orthodox philosophy – which is not really inclusive – and became reform. So while we celebrated the holidays (eating wise) I never went to Hebrew school or learnt any Judaic history and only went to services on the high holidays.
It was funny but when we first arrived in pittsburgh one of the first things we did was to ‘find’ a shul. I remember that first Friday night so clearly – just hearing the same prays and melodies that we were familiar gave me this warm and cuddly feeling at a time when I felt very lonely.
Traditions were for me a link between my “two lives” - and kept our small family (there were no cousins or grandparents etc) together and less lonely than I think we would have been. So while I am still not religious, traditions are important to me – they are a link, and while some are bizzare and totally out of date, I can like you pick and choose those that make me feel good.
But and its a big but, we change and need different things at different times of our lives – what I have found is that what was not important to me way back them is now really important.
www.geocities.com/dianalaulainen/Women/jewish.htm- is an interesting take on tradition and feminism I thought you might like.
I love quotes .....so here is a quote by Sommerset Maughan for what I think describes your thoughts
Tradition is a guide not a jailer.
Let me know what you think
Love Pam
Hi Elissa,
I'm learning a lot from your blog, having never participated in the wedding cirucuit (or is it circus). It's my first close up view of what it's like to plan a wedding. Sure takes a lot of stamina!
As part of my learning, I'm curious about yours and Dan's perspective about this tradition:
"I didn't have a problem with Dan buying me an engagement ring"
What about him asking your father for your hand in marriage. That tradition acknowledges that the father owns his daughter until a man comes along and asks for her to be his property.
Also, I didn't get the reference about you not wanting to describe your wedding gown in your blog because of Dan reading about it.
Thanks for the wedding tutorial. Don and I are looking forward to dancing at your wedding!
with love and admiration, H
Point of clarification, I informed BOTH Sue and Steve that I was planning on proposing to Elissa. I didn't have a backup plan so nothing was going to stop me!
Just want to throw in my two cents. First, I want to clarify that the Orthodox Jewish tradition is not "not inclusive" as someone here mentioned. If someone thinks it is, that is due to misperceptions and whatnot - careful study will reveal that that is not the case at all.
That's a side note.
If you are looking for tradition, the first place I would turn to IS our tradition - the Jewish tradition. A Jewish wedding is one of the most holy times in a person's life and it is rife with traditions and customs. There are traditions that celebrate the couple, the groom, the bride, their families, etc. For example, in Jewish tradition, the father "doesn't give away the bride". The bride walks down the aisle with BOTH parents at her side, or in very religious communities, the bride walks down the aisle with both mothers, and the groom walks down the aisle with both fathers.
It just takes a bit of research, but the Jewish wedding tradition is very very rich.
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